most mornings around here start with an argument. truly. probably 5 or 6 days of our week do. it's all around one person. gaven. he isn't a morning person; i get that, nor am i. the difficulty is more in the transition of a day. it is about getting up, showering, what towel to use, different underwear than what i laid out, how long it might take to pick a breakfast because the Lord knows he can't just eat what we are eating,what sink he brushes his teeth in, putting shoes on, 20min from shoes to getting one more thing in his backpack, side tracked 18 times, and the whole time if i get involved he says "mooom"..... i know some of this is typical age related behavior but one would have to see the extent of it to understand.the yelling, locking himself in the bathroom, hitting things, stomping, refusals, which all amounts to lots of yelling by myself also. i never wanted to see the person i turn into either. it's exhausting. not to mention there are 5 of us and not just him. we have struggled with this for years but it is to a point it's hard to bare.
by the end of the day he can't get out of bed enough times to tell us one more great thing about his day or life which is followed by a hug each time. it's only natural to have a defense built up against someone whom you fight with on a daily basis. i never thought that would be my relationship with one of my children. the hugs are welcomed and reciprocated but rarely heart felt on my end. it hurts my soul more than i ever want to feel. it is freeing to admit it in writing. i yearn for the little boy i used to hold above all else. he was my everything. i yearn for that feeling again. there are days that i blame myself and my parenting but i have 2 other children who do not treat us this way, who have normal ups and downs of behaviors, fighting, and meltdowns. that is expected, we don't expect perfection in our home but respect and peace would be welcomed and shared.i have used all my resources...books, counseling, and praying. it has been 6 years of an uphill battle with gaven. not motherhood. just gaven in particular. it's draining, painful and at times hopeless. he is my child and i will never give up on him but sometimes like today, i don't have the fight in me. there isn't any patience or kindness left. my morning is blown. not a creative spark left in my body so i will redundantly fold laundry because there are no emotions required. at times i start feeling half full by the afternoon and have something to give back.
i miss him;as i scrolled through pics of the past i teared up several times. i did not notice the date until i wrote it down and oddly enough, the one i picked was 5years ago today.
i can see your pain This is the place for you to come vent.pick your battles my dear.
LOVE HURTS
see ya soon
lisa
Posted by: Lisa Hall | November 11, 2009 at 07:57 PM
Kate-
I am so with you! I remember these days ever so well. I struggled with both my children to get them up for school. Even to this day it is hard for them to get up early for things. I remember so many days dropping them off at school feeling the same way you do. Where did I go wrong but it just is one of those things you will look back on and say I got through it even if you do it one day at a time. Noah would always say when I dropped him off at school tell me you love me mom I dont want to go in on a bad note. It was the cutest thing. You are a great mom and you are doing a wonderful job. hugs
Posted by: Pam Ballard | November 11, 2009 at 11:31 PM
yep what Pammy said and love the tunes love me some Deano
I LOVE YOU
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa Hall | November 12, 2009 at 10:20 AM
Dearest Kate, I wish I could say I don't understand your feelings.....but I do. I understand the lack of emotion and the frustration and pain that engulfs you at times. Many times I have told God "I KNOW you picked the wrong mama for this child, what were you thinking?!?!?". But, the bottom line is this: we trust God with our lives, with our future, with our children......and we must trust that He hand picked and chose each of us to be the mother He wanted for our children. We were hand picked by Him. Sometimes that's all that keeps me going. God has a marvelous plan for our lives and our children's lives. But, he never promised it would be easy. He promised to be there, right by our side, always and that trials will refine and strengthen us. I didn't meant to get on such a roll.....but it is very near and dear to my heart more oft than not.....love you...hugs
Posted by: Miah | November 12, 2009 at 04:08 PM