Balancing Bliss

on a lighter note....

 i took the kids
here tonight. if i would have only realized that my kids were now big enough to not have an adult (that being me who is phobic about wearing a swimsuit in public) in the water with them, we would have been there more often this summer.

gav immediately went down the big slide

then eli blu had to show him he could

and this little girl just sat around in the shallow end being adorable but shy

when she wasn't shivering, it must be hard to keep warm at 30lbs

these two actually chose to play with eachother and had fun doing it  seriously this was not staged

i actually heard one of them say "wanna go play water karate?" or i would not have known what they were doing here

someone finally started to get brave and have some fun. it must have been a driving force because before i knew it she wanted to do this seriously? and before i knew it she loved it so much she went back 3x. the lifeguard handed her off to me and said "little giggles like that is why i do this job". sweet.

so this one has a story behind it. gaven was very impressed by little luci skye for her bravery on the slide and took her to the whirlpool. she soon determined she wasn't a big fan and wanted to go back. so he turned her around and started off against current with lil sis under arm gulping down the water being forced in her face. my friend and i tried telling him but he couldn't hear us, so i motioned to him that he was putting her under. he misread me COMPLETELY and thought i said dunk her under. oh yes yes he did. not only did he put her under but he pushed her as far down as his waste and was laughing. he soon realized by the look on my friends face, my face and the lifeguards face that this was not what we were saying and picked her up for air. poor girl. so she went back to the kiddie end of the pool
while we were there i noticed an old friend. i actually didn't notice that it was her at first since she has lost so much weight. she looked absolutely stunning. i have always thought she rocked. she is one of those REAL chickies i admire but now she a stunning real chickie.
it made me think of how i know there is this person under this weight i carry. when i look at pictures from just a few years ago i see her. looking forward to meeting her again one day.btw the pics above are mostly from my ww days. thanks catherine for inspiring me. i yoga'd my ass off after putting the kids to bed ;)

tonight was a total success. the kids played hard, got along, i met with other moms (2 nights now of adult conversation....watch out ideas are manifesting) we soaked up some sunshine and the best part is they were so tired when i put them to bed, not one of them said a word or got out of bed. ahhh

refreshed for now.......

 i had dinner with my aunt last night after she read my blog and was concerned about my obvious need for adult conversation.(you know if you picked that up from my last "oh poor me" of a post yesterday). even if we haven't spoken in years, we pick right up like we have always been on the same page.

 arrived back home to be greeted by my 3littles pummeling down the steps to tell me everything good that had occurred in my 3hr absence. it was right then and there that i was overwhelmed by the moment of knowing i am still a good mother. i wanted to hear all about their stories. i loved seeing their smiles and expressions. i didn't even care that they got out of bed after bedtime to share with me. people always tell me what a good mom i am but i just haven't felt like it lately with my shortness of patience. except for weekends i have woke up to them needing me and went to bed with knowing they will be needing me in a few short hours. just me. all the time. for 18months. all the time. kinda wearing yes?  but in that moment it all came back that it was still thriving inside of me.

the mother i have been lately is a huge part of my unhappiness the past weeks. being a mother is what i am. sure i am my own person, artsy free spirited self of a chickie but i am a mother. i don't think i would have ever chose to be a mother, let alone a stay at home mother to 3 and hoping to still have one more. however Christ knew it was to be part of my plan and under very unplanned circumstances road blocked my life with a child. fell in love with him immediately, started looking for a deeper meaning in this life and became a wonderful mother that i never knew was inside of me in the process. (considering i was not raised in a home of stability or healthy parenting i have done a damn good job forging my own path but that is a whole other post!) soon this kind mormon boy showed up with pink hair and tattoos to love me for who i am and bless me with 2 more little spirits to nurture. it was obvious that this was to be my calling and i breathed it.

years passed, the breast feeding and storytime turned into bike riding, nintendo, and homework. behaviors and circumstances have been trying for us this past year. doubt set in if i was even worthy of motherhood any longer. however when i nurture my spirit wether it be 3hrs of adult conversation over chips and salsa or 3days away at the beach scrap booking, i come home to realize how much i am missed, loved, and needed.  our journey of college life (5 of us in a 2 bedroom, broke and possibly "the good times") is almost complete. happiness for the sades is around the corner. until then i will help create happiness in our little world now.

this is an exceptionally long post but this blog is a form of journaling my path. it just pours out of me which is good for my soul. one day i will print it all out to look back on.

 we had a happy healthy morning

and we are looking forward to the days ahead with my faith as a mother restored and knowing my children are good human beings who are loved.  

i am welcoming the coming days with fall in the air, the boys starting school after a long family weekend,  luci and i home together to create and be crafty, and our new adventure awaiting us where ever it leads. as i said before, motherhood was not my plan but a pleasant surprise. so i give to life a blessing to lead us into the next unknown journey.

i added some pics to a new album of my new camera. they show some happiness so i don't come across as a whiny ass in my last post. i do find goodness in daily life and the reason i am on here venting my heart out is because i don't like feeling the way i am feeling in my life right now. it's just not me and not who i want to be nor the energy i want to put out there. i know goodness is around the corner. and no i did not have an affair with gene simmons, the girl just has a genetic wonder of a long tongue.

adult conversation.....

 so 18mo into "single motherhood" as my husband lives 2hrs away as an intern, i find myself yearning for adult conversation. i have substituted blogging with that until he comes home, when i will then ditch him with the kids and kidnap each of my friends one at a time to talk about random happenings of our day or how our lives have changed since "back in the day".

 i find myself at the computer reading blogs more than i ever imagined. i sometimes sushhhhh the kids when they get loud or whiny like they are interrupting a real conversation. psycho i know, you take an 8, 6, and 4yr old on for 18months alone and i think you would be singing my same song chickies. i also find that i remind myself throughout the day to share something on my blog. you know like you would to one of your girlfriends on the phone later that day. then i realize...........SERIOUSLY??....do they want to know that?? (kinda like this post perhaps?" i try to hold back from letting it all out here. when i started this blog i wanted it to be a place of positive goodness. i have come to  place of reality, i like to embrace the goodness around me as often as possible but you know......i'm just a keepin' it real type of girl. (ali edwards once signed a book for me and said "thanks for keepin it real kate") true.

 so the truth is.........i have most of my house packed in boxes. i had to go ask my neighbor for some dental floss yesterday because the one i left out ran out and i was not moving and unloading a box for freakin dental floss! the only reason i have yet to pack the decor is because if we do not get a job for a month from now it is going to get pretty damn depressing being in a white box. we don't have a job yet. i get to enroll my kids at the school down the street today, you know the one that i told the sec. there "no thank you, i don't need that registration card because we will no longer be here in the fall" um ya that one. i get to walk into that office and say "um ya about that registration card?"  and last night while in the drive-thru (because i was in fear of our pantry and making food for all of us again last night) i was trying to keep myself from tearing up at the mere sound of their little voices "he hit me" "don't kick the seat" "that was my book" "don't look out my window" anywhoooo... taking a breath and refraining from crying when REM everybody hurts came on. not f'n kidding.

 okay...........some goodness i am grateful for..........i have strong hazelnut coffee, my husband is making the drive home tonight to have a "wii party" with his boys, i get to go to target with my girl and get school supplies for the boys, i can cross packing my scrap book stuff off my to do list because i am not packing anything of goodness to my soul until we have a job, another place to live and a moving date, i get  to purge and simplify my home which i love doing, i have a dinner idea for tonight, my kids are healthy enough to drive me crazy and i have a blog to have an adult conversation with myself!

and back to my relaxing weekend...

 for some reason, maybe being my 20 balloon pics i couldn't get anything to work on my blog so decided to continue on another post.

 so after balloons we headed home for donuts and coffee. there was a garage sale on my street and i couldn't help but to notice and buy these little finds.
i have wanted a sewing machine table for a few months now and was happy to pick this one up for $3 !

later meg picked me up and we headed to the art show at the balloon festival. she wanted to find a bread bowl or a fruit bowl at one of the pottery booths. little did she know i was going to be in every booth chatting it up with all the artists. i could have spent all day smelling homemade soaps, fingering through beads, taking in the photography and literally could have spent hours in the purse booth with the cutest couple sitting there sewing. that is where i picked up this... when i got home brian took the boys to star wars. luci and i took the advantage of being just girls and headed to meg's where her and addie had their last "swim party" of the summer. afterwards we picked up our favorite greek salads with garlic rolls and devoured them on her couch. i can not even describe how much i am going to miss her and the void that will be in my life after i move. lucky for me we text like 30x a day and send phone pics of daily happenings so we will still feel like we are in touch.

we had a VH1 morning.....i know what you are thinking and it wasn't the boobage inappropriate shows for anyones mind. we watched the countdown which the kids and i love. when we don't like it we mute it and share what we really liked about the others. i try to give them a little education on the best music ever made, hope they are taking in the knowledge. hehe. gav is currently borderline obsessed with Coldplays viva la vida. i am really liking the sound of Duffy with her blues feel and Jason Mraz who seems kind Jack Johnsonish.

bri took the kids to church and i had my own little version of my church. after 18mo of single motherhood, i am trying to soak up any "me time" i can. i dyed my hair a darker shade for fall, i did all my grocery shopping for the week without kids in tow, and cleaned up the house a little which is pretty impossible with all the boxes sitting around. when brian got home i put my feet up and let him bbq the dinner i prepared. 

luci and i worked on this a little while it was cooking.
 it was a beautiful evening. we were outside sanding on the porch while talking to brian through the open kitchen window when it just started raining. and raining and raining. so we had to do this  
it is tradition for the sade kids to do a little rain dance in the summer to welcome fall.

spent some time reading this which i am loving
it is by amanda soule who has the blog soulemama. loving her. very positive and in love with her fam.

looked on etsy to check out camera straps to find like 22pages of them! made mine look so sad. it's okay since i enjoyed the process so much. it really got me excited about sewing again. i knew emily falconbridge had some ribbon ones on her etsy but i had no idea that there were so many fabric ones. my idea was to just make a "sleeve" for mine so i could change it out for others varying seasons and such. little did i know it wasn't just my idea but a marketed thing. fine with me since i am just making them for myself and my friends. very inspired right now.

 i mentioned to the kids that we are back to very limited tv time again since last week they got back on the "t.v crack" while momma was having a hard time. gaven replied "you can go to adams and play storm trooper legos with us as long as you promise not to embarrass me." nice eh? they don't like me to play legos much since i make the storm troopers and darth vader look within themselves and find good in the world. they kick me out of the game pretty darn fast and then i can go on with my happenings. works every time. wink.

 off to pack some more. brian has an interview today with someone from Mentor Graphics where he is interning now. if that doesn't look promising we have decided to start applying in illinois (how can i move there if i don't know how to spell it?)(or did i?) the market is good there, my dearest friend lives there with her computer nerd husband who also graduated from OSU and the housing is very affordable. it just makes sense. moving there during tornado season does not but it isn't a sure thing so i will deal with that when/if it comes. we have decided to register the boys in school here until then. there is like 8 days till school starts so i have waited as long as i possibly could. which brings me to a dream i awoke from this morning.....i was dreaming that i had to go to the dr. because i was smiling so hard it hurt and i could not stop. why was i smiling? i sent my boys to their first day of school! doesn't that say it all!??????????!!!

truly relaxing.....

 really took in the moment of a great weekend followed by an emotion filled week.

 we went to the annual balloon festival in our town. every year the Sade family drags themselves to the field by 6:30am and every year we are so happy we did without any regrets. it's an amazing experience, one that i hope my children will remember into their adult lives. there was a lot of pressure camera speaking for me this year. i wanted to call karen russell and tell her to drive her ass up here to help me since it's only like a 3hr drive. she is so sweet and multi-talented which makes her very busy and she would probably respond with laughter and then say "who are you?" so with that said here are my "bare with me, i just got my camera pictures" and  i hope we can return next year.   this pic is to show the actual size vs people   it is really incredible to be there in person.  

these were to show the depth and how many balloon were there  we counted 33

living wisdom.......

 after reading such great advice from lisa aka polly on my comments yesterday, i pondered. my spirit already knows such things and i keep reminding myself of them but i still get worked up since it is coming up to a point that we have been working towards for 5+ yrs.

 i made a choice to read instead of tubing out watching olympics yet again. i kid you not....i opened a book to find a quote i wrote down months ago that read;

 Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now because you would not be able to live them. Live the questions now. Perhaps then some day in the future you will gradually without even noticing it live your way into the answer. ~ poet Rina Maria Wilka

 good stuff eh? and then i read this on my favorite daily goodness and wouldn't you know i still can't add a freakin link. hey i married the computer nerd so i would never have to figure such things out! so go check out the daily motivator, the goodness of life, or greatday.com ?? my bookmark i check everyday before i read anything else.

 so there you go. i am going to let life take the lead and i am just going to go pack a couple more boxes so i will be ready for it.

happy birthday my baby boy....

can i call him baby @ 9???

 i gave him a choice of having a birthday party with his friends (our rule is # of friends same as #yrs) or to take his BF to see the new star wars movie. he chose option B. thank goodness. i was not up for faking a smile for all of those people. we bought a cake instead of me making one and gave him his present (a rock tumbler) unwrapped. we still made it special. our friends brought doughnuts and coffee over in the morning, we got happy meals for lunch complete with star wars bobble head, and pizza with a movie of his choice for dinner topped off with henry's orange creme soda. he had a fun day and that is what counted.

 i have been in quite a funk. we are down to the wire on finding a job and moving before school starts for the kids. our plans are NOT working out. life is that way though isn't it?? it's like a young first time mom who has a labor plan (i did) funny thing is it's labor! you have no control over it! you can only control how you respond to it. it's going to go down the way it goes down in the end.

 so we are doing our best.we went from spokane washington to portland oregon and somewhere in there we had madison wisconsin and san fransisco.  now we are getting offers from seattle  washington. offers are good at this point. something scary about putting this country bumpkin in seattle. i don't even drive in eugene! i have been quite teary, like 3hrs at a time. brian is from seattle so it's like going home to him but it's all new territory to me. i have visited but i am just the passenger who is completely lost when jumping highway to highway, town to town.

 i was so on board with an adventure. i am the one who pushed for this but now it's getting scary. it's scary because i feel so unprepared. we have 2wks if that before school starts for the boys. it's just me here packing up the house. the bathrooms are stark white bare with only the needed essentials, drawers are emptying out by the day, and closets are packed up with boxes, YET we have no where to go. so there you go, my reason for crying my eyes out.

 my new affair with my camera is joy i seek right now. it has really helped. i asked luci to read the manual to me and tell me how to use it.
. um ya sister i know how you feel!

 capturing moments anyways. bringing much happiness to my life during this difficult time. these guys are helping me too. well sometimes. sometimes they add to the difficulty.  

speaking in pictures.......

just dreamy....

and crushed to the ground! i loaded 15 new pics from my camera and then???????? i have no idea. it must be typepad. i haven't been able to load a pic since.

so loving my camera. spent most of saturday and sunday behind the lens. i actually dream in pictures these days. 3 consecutive days. when i first started scrap booking i would dream in patterns of scrap book paper. love having the passion back in my life.

i am now going to walk away from the computer and take a few breaths. woke up to the sound of rain falling hard. love a good rain during the summer. something romantic about it. off to watch the rain through my window in my comfy robe with coffee in hand.