Balancing Bliss

marriage....

    60 years of marriage today

                happy anniversary gram and gramps...we love you

a melancholy day.....

most mornings around here start with an argument. truly. probably 5 or 6 days of our week do. it's all around one person. gaven. he isn't a morning person; i get that, nor am i. the difficulty is more in the transition of a day. it is about getting up, showering, what towel to use, different underwear than what i laid out, how long it might take to pick a breakfast because the Lord knows he can't just eat what we are eating,what sink he brushes his teeth in,  putting shoes on, 20min from shoes to getting one more thing in his backpack, side tracked 18 times, and the whole time if i get involved he says "mooom"..... i know some of this is typical age related behavior but one would have to see the extent of it to understand.the yelling, locking himself in the bathroom, hitting things, stomping, refusals, which all amounts to lots of yelling by myself also. i never wanted to see the person i turn into either. it's exhausting. not to mention there are 5 of us and not just him. we have struggled with this for years but it is to a point it's hard to bare.

by the end of the day he can't get out of bed enough times to tell us one more great thing about his day or life which is followed by a hug each time. it's only natural to have a defense built up against someone whom you fight with on a daily basis. i never thought that would be my relationship with one of my children. the hugs are welcomed and reciprocated but rarely heart felt on my end. it hurts my soul more than i ever want to feel. it is freeing to admit it in writing. i yearn for the little boy i used to hold above all else. he was my everything. i yearn for that feeling again. there are days that i blame myself and my parenting but i have 2 other children who do not treat us this way, who have normal ups and downs of behaviors, fighting, and meltdowns. that is expected, we don't expect perfection in our home but respect and peace would be welcomed and shared.

i have used all my resources...books, counseling, and praying. it has been 6 years of an uphill battle with gaven. not motherhood. just gaven in particular. it's draining, painful and at times hopeless. he is my child and i will never give up on him but sometimes like today, i don't have the fight in me. there isn't any patience or kindness left. my morning is blown. not a creative spark left in my body so i will redundantly fold laundry because there are no emotions required. at times i start feeling half full by the afternoon and have something to give back.

i miss him;

 

as i scrolled through pics of the past i teared up several times. i did not notice the date until i wrote it down and oddly enough, the one i picked was 5years ago today.

in my way.....

this last week i felt such a desire to create....i arranged my little corner in the house, cut out a sewing project, thought of another, dreamed as i went thumbed through patterned paper....it was all so dreamy. totally my dream factor. and then;there was tending to sick kiddos, the other kids came home from school, dinner needed my attention, evening shows came on and the next morning brought daily duties. so is life... sigh.

i did snap a few pictures of my space although just a tad bit incomplete. there are two big 'pow' elements in the works. they sit here calling me. however....my in-laws are coming this weekend and i feel the need to not have one box to empty in any room...main goal. a few others are; paint bathroom and bricks, hang some pictures on these bare walls, maybe luci's room would benefit from having curtains? ..... but if i have any creative energy at the end of the day....i will give attention to the crafty goodness sitting in my chair.

bits and pieces of my little corner;

when i was at lisas a couple weeks ago i noticed how much i am have become 'out of the know' in the industry. while working at the scrapyard i had every new paper line, ink, chipboard, and magazine at my fingertips. i would love to have that in my present life but that season is gone and i am so grateful for it. (thanks suz) i don't think my grandchild will ever say "grandma...why didn't you use the new glitter thickers with that paper combo on my moms page?" so i humbly use some of old stash that those two baskets are filled with. every little new thing i get sparingly is appreciated these days. plus when i go through my things i get inspired to make combos out of things i would have never before.

 

the last pic is my favorite...it is my sketch box. some are my sketches but most are out of books and off the internet. copying is not my style but taking something from a basic sketch is such a core for me. then i make it my own....like;

 

i took a basic line down the middle of the page with a few  pics or  paper and made it my own...it's luci laid out on her bed for the first time in her first girls room she didn't have to share with brothers. by scrapping it i hope i capture her feelings at the time and help her keep those memories alive. so very grateful to have this calling and talent to share with my family...now and for many years to come.

 

happiness....

completed pages....something i hope to have more of soon...i now have a clean table to create...one more thing (there will always be one more thing) and my little area is at the moment complete! hoping to do that today and share...

alphainventions sucks.....

i would like to keep my blog public to share with other people who like to create, enjoy the everyday, laugh about parental mishaps.....but damn....i get nailed by this site who sucks all my pictures and posts them all over the web....not really what i was thinking of while sharing my childrens photos....

going to have to think that one over.....thanks alphainventions.com ...middle finger to you

(sorry grandma...)

lost and all is well.....

when i said i lost a kid ...i meant it....wednesday when i dropped gaven off at school he was having a hard time....i was harping at him to get in the van...in my defense i had been standing at the door for 20min and had two other kids, one currently with a fever...so....it was all my fault (ahem) for bitching at him... when i dropped him off i felt bad as he walked away from the car all mad...one thing i remember from my childhood was my mom saying how much she hated sending us off being mad at eachother...i empathize now...because well...i am a mom...

so i thought it would be nice to pack a lunch for him as a surprise and drop it off to him. i packed a lunch, sprinkled it with halloween candies and decided to throw in a short and sweet note;

gav~sorry for how this morning turned out. i don't like to send you off to school this way, maybe tomorrow WE can both try harder.

love ~ momma

p.s why don't you walk home today in the sunshine.....enjoy the time to think...

well.....he must have seen 'love momma' and that was it.....he shoved it in his desk without reading the ending. so 3:30 rolls around....i'm working hard in the yard like i have been for a few days. 3:45 okay it takes a little while to get home...and i told him to enjoy it...almost 4...i now have a dog on a leash and go to walk around the corner and meet him....but he isn't there...and he isn't at the park...and nope not down the bike path either....SHIT......so i call his best friends mom...she also works at the school... nope.....but she now has people looking for him...i have now walked to his school and am heading back when meg says "i'm going to your house to sit with your kids"...oh ya...those kids that i left in the living room (who didn't even notice because they were sick watching cartoons) because i thought i was only walking around the corner!.....i'm now walking fast...heart and mind wandering through worst case..... and meg calls...."gavens at your house"......

"mom you never showed up so i waited almost and hour and then decided to walk home" ....that would be a different way home than i was walking. nice. he then told me he put the note in his desk and didn't read the whole thing (must have been embarrassing , words like momma and love...oh my)... we talk about it...make a definite plan and route for the 'what if scenario'...all is well...

and then.....the phone rings...it's now like 7pm...it is the office lady at the school. penny. she is wondering if i had found gaven. ?????? so i had told gavens friends mom that i had found him but i guess she had put out a lost child message around the area right down to what he was wearing.....come to find out it had gotten to be bigger news than we knew as we sat inside playing the game of life by the fire. it now included 3 school faculty, some of the cap kids and kids playing outside, and they had called the school counselor. she reassured me that she knew i was a proactive parent and i would have called the police by now but she was just wondering what they could do. about the time i started telling her how we went different ways.....eli blu started throwing up in a bowl while stumbling across the living room. nice.

so that is the story of how i lost another kid.......another? why yes. eli blu disappeared for a brief moment at a cracky portland park....jen was there and experienced the whole thing. now she knows that sinking feeling and how quick it can happen. luckily eli blu just has a strange thing for public bathrooms and felt the need to wash his hands in one....it was all but 3min maybe but never forgotten....

oh and that time at the beach this spring when luci was playing hide and go seek when we realized.. "wait...no one has found luci in a long time".....had several adults running around when we found her on a toilet waiting to be wiped..... for the love of losing children....

most fallish lovely day....

is fallish a word?  anywhooo....i had not 1 but 2 sickies home today. flu season has hit. luckily we weren't hit hard...just minor cold and a stomach bug. i know two families that were tested for H1N1 and sure enough it came back positive....feeling very blessed. we just cuddled up to some old disney's and built a big fire. BIG. it is currently almost 8pm and we have some windows still open....BIG. 

 

(just a show off girly with a runny nose begging to be on the blog..not kidding)

the weather changing brought me inside to do a little of this;

 

i say a little because that is all i did in that dept today. i had the curtain rod idea but when i was explaining it to  my sister she said "i have some  hooks for rods"....little did i know that they were  AWESOME...i love them jen. thank you... she had "just a couple"...looking forward to completing my area so i can do a full post. more importantly so i can create already!and i did just that today...just not in my creative space...but i will give you a sneak peek;

 

and some other fallish things in the sade house;

 

pumpkin french toast....eggs, milk, pumpkin, spices, and vanilla....mmmmmm..next time i will add more pumpkin...and spice...kids loved it.....brian and i loved some of this;

 

and what is so fallish about these two?;

 

well it turns out that they like to play in the leaves;

 

i heard a noise out the back door and when i peeked over the fence, there were my two pups IN the pile of leaves with nothing but their heads sticking out. they had buried themselves. unfortunately 1came running and by the time i got my camera and back on the deck here came the other....they are so fun.. not at 6:30am and you have to wipe off 8 paws before they come back in but truly worth it. we are all enjoying them.

tomorrow is going to be full of goodness. eli blu will be heading back to school...not that i mind him home...i love the little guy but it's time...and luci and i will make the most of 8:45-3:30 crafting, baking, music, dancing, sharing lunch, all in pj's....just like we used to on fridays. sigh.

no news...

i wanted to blog a couple of times this week...life happens...got a kid with the flu...lost a kid for an hour and a half...and ummmm ya....just life...so now that it is going to be raining i hope to make use of this time at the computer....

 

 

 

 

 

 

we answered the door a couple of times for trick or treaters while we ate dinner...took the kids to poppy's for their annual (his annual) trick or treat....back home...swapped out with brian....i handed out candy ...more like watched a blazer game in peace because we had a total of 10 all night ....while brian took the kids around a couple of blocks here....and we called it a night...it was very uneventful.... well minus on the cat finding eli blu's swamp monster costume offensive and peeing on it (we have NEVER had a cat pee on anything!) and he had to trick or treat in his regular clothes and a mask....poor guy... didn't stop him...he brought home more candy than anyone...this was the pic before i really tuned into what he was saying about his costume smelling....

luci understood the communication immediately... it was horrifying... it will probably be the halloween they all remember instead of the one that we worked our butts off to make it magical and spent hours on ebay finding costumes....yep...they will just remember the one that the cat peed on the swamp monster...sigh....

luci was wearing the same costume pattern i wore as a little girl made from my mother....

 

and she sparkled...glitter...glitter...everywhere...

and we called it a night....they went to sleep and i ate candy....it's a benefit  of motherhood;

trick....

                       more pics tomorrow...that will be the treat!